As we all know, KIRO radio and ROOT Sports announcers who cover the Mariners must sugarcoat everything with their comments even when the team is awful, which is usually the case and particularly evident after losing four of five games during the most recent home series against the Angels.
And if I were in their shoes, I’d do the same thing to keep my job, but I’m guessing that most evenings after another putrid performance by the Mariners, I’d come home, pour myself a Jack Daniels on the rocks , take a shower and tell my wife: “You wouldn’t believe the BS I put out there tonight.”
Honestly, if I ran KIRO radio and ROOT Sports, I’d tell my announcers to speak their minds, to say what they truly thought about the Mariners, good or bad. Don’t blow smoke up the skirts of those watching and listening.
If someone sucks, say he sucks, don’t say “so and so is going through a tough stretch right now, scuffling a bit, but he’ll come out of it soon.” Thing is, maybe so and so won’t, there’s a better chance he’ll suck the rest of the year.
None of this will happen, and that’s unfortunate. But if it ever did, here’s what I think it would sound like:
Brad Adam: Good evening and welcome to the Mariners pre-game show, where Ryan Rowland-Smith and I will try to make you believe it’s worth watching this team for the next three hours tonight.
Rowland-Smith: That’s right, Brad. The Mariners have lost seven of their first 10 games on this homestand and can’t hit a lick, but we’re supposed to stretch the truth and tell you that there are positive signs and reasons to think this team can get in the playoff hunt , but I’m telling you, mate — it’s malarkey.
Adam: Sure is, Ryan. The Mariners are poorly constructed. There’s no way they should have counted on Kyle Lewis, Mitch Haniger and Jarred Kelenic to be solid fixtures this year. It’s crazy that John Stanton gave Jerry Dipoto and Scott Servais contract extensions last year. They’ve been here seven years now and the team hasn’t done squat. For more, let’s go to Angie Mentink down on the field.
Mentink: Thanks Brad, I can’t bleepin’ believe this was the career path I chose, to cover this God-forsaken team. I’m missing another one of my kids’ games tonight and have to watch this bleepin’ garbage again. Can’t wait to hear Jerry’s latest spin on things. He’s so full of it.
Adam: Thanks, Angie, and now, for tonight’s O’Reilly Auto Parts lineup, let’s go to Dave Sims in the booth.
sims: Hey Brad, Scott Servais will go with his 134th different lineup this evening, and it really doesn’t matter who’s hitting where, they’re all terrible aside from Ty France. The Mariners will attempt to set a new team record tonight with being shut out for the 10th time, and Mike, I think they’ve got a good shot at it.
Mike Blowers: Don’t question about it, Dave. Even by Mariners standards, this lineup is horrible.
Rick Rizzs: But it’s still a beautiful night at the ballpark.
Mentink: No it isn’t, Rick, I’m freezing my butt off down here. The roof is closed again and everyone’s wearing a bleepin’ parka in June
Gary Hill: It’s time for “Picks to Click.” Who already got tonight, Blow?
Blowers: Gary, I’ll go with Ty France and Julio Rodriguez.
Hills: You pick those two guys every night.
Blowers: Know-why? Everyone else ain’t worth a damn.
Adam: No kidding, Blow. I’m so glad we don’t have to put lipstick on this pig anymore. By the way, the Mariners are so bad that pigs are offended by this comparison.
Rowland-Smith: Good one, mate! Hey I think we’ve got Jerry with Aaron Goldsmith. I wonder if we’ll get the same softball questions that Aaron asks Jerry on “The Wheelhouse.” Man, I quit listening to that waste-of-time podcast a few months ago. Aaron take it away
Goldsmith: Uh, well, thanks Ryan. Jerry, how have you managed to pull the wool over the eyes of ownership for seven years and keep your job?
Dipoto: It’s an art form, Goldy, that I mastered many years ago after meeting with Rick Neuheisel. Always admired Rick and the way he commanded the podium, throwing a bunch of syllables and sentences together, getting everyone to think he knew what he was talking about when he didn’t. I’ve convinced Stanton that I’ve done a bang-up job and reminded him if he can just have a little more patience, the team will turn it around and I can make millions more even though I’m undeserving.
I told John that I’ll fire Servais soon and make him the scapegoat and save my own hide even though I’m the one that gave him crummy pieces to work with.
Two and a half hours later…
sims: And the Mariners go down in order for the fifth time tonight. After seven at T Mobile Park, it’s the Rangers 6, the Mariners nothing.
Blowers: Look at everyone leaving the ballpark, Dave. I’ve got their exit veil at 75 fans per second. Can’t really blame them though, can you?
Sims: Not at all, Blow, this team is trash.
Three hours later…
Rizzes: Final score from T-Mobile Park, the Rangers 8, the Mariners nothing, we’ll be back in a bit with the unhappy totals, but first, speaking of unhappy, let’s go to Shannon Drayer for our Beacon Plumbing post-game interview.
Drayer: Rick, we don’t talk to players after they lose.
Rizzes: Oh, that’s right, Shannon, my bad.
Drayer: No problem Rizzsy, I still love you and I can’t help but love this team, too. Outstanding performance by Robbie Ray and I saw some encouraging signs from the bats tonight, things are sure to heat up tomorrow.
Rizz’s: Shannon, we’re supposed to say how we really feel for the sake of Jim’s column.
Drayer: That is how I really feel. The Mariners can do no wrong in my book.
Three and a half hours later…
Adam: Thank God this post-game show is over, Ryan. I don’t know how much longer I can do this. I’ve been lying to fans for 21 years. Getting harder to live with myself.
Rowland-Smith: Know how ya feel, mate.
Adam: Thanks for joining us, we’ll be back tomorrow to preview another game and another loss in another sad season of Mariners baseball! Good night, everybody!
Jim Moore is a longtime Pacific Northwest sportswriter and sports radio host on 950 KJR at 10 am weekdays with Jason Puckett, and writes a regular column for the Kitsap Sun. Contact Jim at email@example.com and follow him on Twitter @cougsgo.